


The Gang Copes With Change: Part 2

by ChloShow



Series: Finale [2]
Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Character Death, Gen, Homophobia, M/M, Verbal Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-29
Updated: 2015-07-06
Packaged: 2018-04-06 17:19:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 5,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4230276
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChloShow/pseuds/ChloShow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Gang copes with their break up in unexpected ways.  And Frank might not be as dead as they first thought.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

[9:00am]

[On a Friday]

[Philadelphia, Pennsylvania]

[ **MAC** speaks on the phone, pacing in **DEE** ’s living room.  He’s hit someone’s answering machine.]

**MAC**

Hey, Rex, it’s me, Mac.  I had a really fun time yesterday!  Your friends seem pretty cool.  So, hey, if you’re free any other time this week, I’d love to hang out some time.  Maybe we can go play some sports…even soccer if you want.  Hope to hear from you soon!  Okay, thanks, bye.  [He hangs up.]

[Enter **DEE** ]

**DEE**

That is _exactly_ why no one leaves messages anymore.

**MAC**

People born in the 20th century still leave messages, Dee.  Not everyone uses texts to communicate ya know.  Oh, by the way, have you seen Dennis?  He didn’t come home last night, and all his stuff is gone.

**DEE**

Maybe he moved out.  It’s no skin off my dick if he did or not. 

[ **MAC** dials his phone again.]

[Cut to **DENNIS** sitting at the bar in **SCHMITTY** ’s kitchen.  A frying pan sizzles.  **DENNIS** answers his phone.]

**DENNIS**

What's up, Mac-donald, miss me?

**MAC**

Dude, where’ve you been?

**DENNIS**

Oh, I moved out.  I guess I forgot to tell you…

**MAC**

Where did you go, a shelter?

**DENNIS**

How dumb are you?  I said I was reconnecting with Schmitty, and it just so happens we really hit it off.  I’m living with him now.  He’s actually cooking breakfast.  He’s a great roommate, probably better than you ever were, and it’s his first day. [laughter]

**MAC**

[shouting]  Well, my roommate’s better than you, and I don’t even have one!

**DEE**

Yes, you do.

**DENNIS**

Yes, you do.  You live with Dee. 

**MAC**

Shut up!  [He hangs up angrily.]

**DENNIS**

[He hears **MAC** hang up.]  Hey, Schmidt, can I get some more eggs?  Thanks man.

[The Gang Copes With Change: Part 2]

[theme music]


	2. Chapter 2

[ **DEE’** s apartment.]

**DEE**

So where’s Dennis?

**MAC**

He moved out.  The son of a bitch moved in with Schmitty!

**DEE**

Wow, I didn’t think things would escalate this quickly.  Hm, I’m impressed.

**MAC**

Hey, would you give me a ride to Paddy’s?

**DEE**

Uhhhhhh, no.

**MAC**

Come on, we’re going to the same place!  You have to put literally 0 effort into this.

**DEE**

No, I’ll have to go out of my way to drop you off because I’m going shopping.

**MAC**

How do you have any money whatsoever?  You barely work at all.

**DEE**

I save my money, Mac.  See, it’s a little thing called responsibility, and hard work, and memorizing credit card information and pin numbers from one night stands. Gives me all the cash I need.   
See ya later, dickbag.

[Exit **DEE** ]

[ **MAC** ’s phone rings.]

**MAC**

Charlie?

**CHARLIE**

Yeah, hey, Mac, we’re trying to get this list finished by the end of the day, so we figured calling you would work just as fine.

**MAC**

List—what list—Charlie slow down, you’re not making any sense!  Start at the beginning.

**CHARLIE**

Frank’s dead, and he left a will with a bunch of people we need to tell about his death.

**MAC**

Okay, fine.  Woohoo, Frank’s dead.  I don’t give a shit.  Unless the will leaves something to me, then I _do_ give a shit, a lot of shits.

**CHARLIE**

No, it says here according to Cricket that you owe him $10,000?

**MAC**

That’s bullshit!  I’m gonna need to see some reciepts.

**CHARLIE**

Listen, all it says here is that you owe him $10,000 for--

**CRICKET**

Goods and services.

**CHARLIE**

Goods and services.

**MAC**

What goods and services?!  And what the hell does a dead man need with 10 grand?

**CHARLIE**

You ask so many questions.  This is my inheritance!  So, have the $10,000 the next time we meet and we’ll be square, alright?

**MAC**

There’s no way I can come up with that much money.  I don’t even have $1,000!

**CHARLIE**

That’s not my problem dude. Alright, gotta go, there’s more people on this list.  See ya.

**MAC**

Charlie, don’t!  Goddammit.

[Cut to **CHARLIE** and **CRICKET** entering the **MCPOYLE** ’s video store.]

**CHARLIE**

[as if he were giving an announcement] Hey, McPoyles, we got some news for you!

[ **LIAM** and **RYAN** emerge from the back room and stand at the counter.]

**RYAN**

Charlie.

**CHARLIE**

Ryan, nice to see you.  Liam, nice to see you.

**LIAM**

Well do you have it?

**CHARLIE**

Have what?

**LIAM**

MY EYE, that’s what.

**CHARLIE**

No, we’ve just come here to inform you that Frank is dead.

**RYAN**

Well, that’s good news.

**CRICKET**

How’s that good news?

**LIAM**

That means I get one of his eyes.  Or both of them…to match!

**CRICKET**

[to **CHARLIE** ]  I don’t think that’s a good idea, man.  I’ve heard it’s bad luck to steal dead body parts.  And who knows if they’ll even work any more.

**RYAN**

It’s not bad luck if he was a donor.

**CHARLIE**

A donor for what?

**LIAM**

An organ donor.  It should say on his driver’s license if he was an organ donor.

**CHARLIE**

Oh, uh, I don’t know, I think that would violate the terms of his will, removing his eyes and all…

**LIAM**

Well, good day to you.  Only bother to come back when you have my eye.

**CRICKET**

You know you can’t just bring someone an eye and put it right in.  There’s some sort of surgery involved, you know what, nevermind.

**CHARLIE**

Regardless, we’re not ever going to get you an eye, try and get that through your head.  And we’re not leaving.  Frank’s will says you took out a loan from him to buy this DVD rental store.

**LIAM**

Yes, and?

**CHARLIE**

And you need to pay it back.

**LIAM**

I’ll pay it back when I get my eye.

**CHARLIE**

Not this again—you know what?  How about you don’t have to pay the loan if you shut up about the eye.

**LIAM**

[considers this]  Deal.

**RYAN**

Why does Frank need with our money anyway?  He’s dead.

**CHARLIE**

Why do you people keep asking these things!

**CRICKET**

It does sorta feel like Frank is forcing you to do his errands for him beyond the grave.

**CHARLIE**

Well, I’m gonna do them because I’m a good heir, and I’d want someone to do my funeral stuff for me when I die.

**LIAM**

See ya, Charlie

**RYAN**

Yeah, see ya.

[ **LIAM** glares at **CHARLIE** with his eye patch.]

[End scene.]


	3. Chapter 3

[ **MAC** is on the street, apparently performing his karate moves for money.  He’s in the middle of some really sick moves until his phone rings.]

**MAC**

[to the one person watching] Just a sec. [Answers the phone.] Be snappy, I’ve got business to attend to.

**REX**

Hey man, did I catch you at a bad time?

**MAC**

[Out of breath] Oh, no I’m just trying to raise some money.  And I’ve been talking way too much on the phone this morning, and it’s not even noon yet.

**REX**

Yeah, I really prefer to text, but it’s nice to hear your voice.

**MAC**

You got my message then?

**REX**

I haven’t gotten a text from you today.

**MAC**

No my voicemail.

**REX**

What is this 2005?  i don’t think I’ve ever checked my voicemail to be honest.

**MAC**

Really? You could miss some very important…[still out of breath]  I was just calling to say I had a great time yesterday.

**REX**

Hey, me too.

**MAC**

Yeah, I was thinking we could get together, maybe play some soccer.

**REX**

I’d love to man, but I have plans today.  Maybe later this weekend though.

**MAC**

Usually when I make plans with friends, we jump right into them immediately.

**REX**

Sorry, dude. I’ve got a whole life, a job, other friends, a detailed workout schedule. I just can’t drop everything to play sports with you.

**MAC**

Okay…hey Rex.

**REX**

Yeah, man?

**MAC**

Is there a way I could somehow borrow some money?

**REX**

Depends, how much is it?

**MAC**

$10,000?

**REX**

You’re really funny, Mac.  I’ll talk to you later.

[ **REX** hangs up, leaving **MAC** dejected and desperate on his street-performing corner.]

**MAC**

God _dammit._

[End scene.]


	4. Chapter 4

[ **WAITRESS** is working at a coffee shop in the mall. **DEE** shows up.]

**DEE**

[cutting in front of a woman] Excuse me, hi, Waitress!

**WAITRESS**

You’re not here to bother me are you because I can’t lose this job.

**DEE**

No! Why would you think that? I’d like a medium chai tea latte and a chocolate scone please.  Gotta fuel up.

**WAITRESS**

Your total is $11.75.

**DEE**

Is that with the discount? 

**WAITRESS**

We don’t give out discounts here.

**DEE**

[whispering] No, you know, the best friend discount.

**WAITRESS**

We don’t have discounts here.

**DEE**

You’re not understanding me, Waitress.

**WAITRESS**

Oh, no, I understand.  You want me to steal for you.

**DEE**

Exactly!

**WAITRESS**

My manager is standing right there, and you’re telling me to steal for you?

**DEE**

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, that’s why I was whispering, stupid.

**WAITRESS**

Don’t you have anyone else to pick on today?

**DEE**

Oh, Artemis is recovering from surgery.  She ate a shitton of Legos while she was high, and she had to get them removed.

**WAITRESS**

I don’t care. Here’s your scone.

**DEE**

When’s your lunch?

**CUSTOMER**

[in line behind **DEE** ]  Excuse me, can I order please?

**DEE**

Oh my god, wait your turn.  What a bitch, am I right?

**WAITRESS**

I’m not having lunch with you.  Please leave me alone.

**CUSTOMER**

Where’s the manager?  [raised voice] Excuse me, manager?

**DEE**

Hey, settle down.  We got no beef.

**MANAGER**

What seems to be the problem?

**DEE**

I was just ordering my tasty drink here and talking to my friend.  But seriously, there's no beef, don't worry about it.  Get back to blending your little gay drinks over there.

**MANAGER**

M’am, if you’d take your scone and stand off to the side to wait for your drink so that other customers can order, I’d really appreciate it.

**WAITRESS**

She hasn’t paid yet.

**DEE**

And I’m not gonna pay if I’m this is the type of service I’m gonna get.

**MANAGER**

What seems to be the problem, m’am?

**DEE**

[Gestures toward **WAITRESS** ]  Well, I was just trying to be funny, pal around a bit, and she’s riding up my ass to get me out of here!  It’s just disrespectful is what it is.

**WAITRESS**

Please, I was just taking her order, and she won’t leave me alone.

**DEE**

Do I get my order free then to make up for this terrible service?

**MANAGER**

[to **WAITRESS** ]  Where’s your nametag?

**WAITRESS**

[horrorstruck] My nametag?  I—I was never—you never gave me a nametag.

**MANAGER**

Employees must display their nametags at all times.  Now please let me take over on the register before anyone has to wait anymore.

**DEE**

Hey, jagweed, do I get my order free?

**WAITRESS**

Dee, just swipe your damn card!

**DEE**

If you don’t want to have lunch with me, go ahead and say it; you don’t have to be a bitch about it.

**WAITRESS**

[raising her voice]  I did say it!

**CUSTOMER**

I’m going to Starbucks! 

**MANAGER**

Don’t go to Starbucks! 

**WAITRESS**

I’m sorry, I can fix this.  I didn’t mean for any of this to happen.

**DEE**

Who’s a girl got to suck to get a latte around here?

**MANAGER**

[to **DEE** ]  M’am, _please_ , there are children here. [to **WAITRESS** ]  Now I don’t know if this woman really is your friend, but at this point I don’t really care. You’re fired!

[ **WAITRESS** is shocked.  **DEE** is worried about free food.]

\--

[Cut to  **DENNIS** and **SCHMITTY** in their kitchen.]

**DENNIS**

So I was thinking we could do some like actual fun things today to make up for yesterday’s…well, anti-climactic events.

**SCHMITTY**

Dude, I have to go to work.

**DENNIS**

[floored] What?

**SCHMITTY**

I have a job. Yeah, I figured out I can be 15 minutes late without them caring, so I gotta jet.

**DENNIS**

Noo, Schmitty seriously?  I thought, knowing you, you’d be unemployed or an entrepreneur or something.

**SCHMITYY**

Nope, I work in an office as a paper salesman.  It’s not glamorous, but they like me there.  Yeah, I have lots of friends.

**DENNIS**

You’re joking.

**SCHMITTY**

About the lots of friends part or…?

**DENNIS**

A paper salesman.  You’re working a deskjob selling _paper_ with an office full of stiffs? I mean come _on_.

**SCHMITTY**

What do you want me to do?  I can’t exactly call in sick and goof off all day.  I’ve already done that with all of my sick days. 

**DENNIS**

Alright, I’ll find something to do.

**SCHMITTY**

That’s the spirit!

**DENNIS**

Hey, how about we watch a movie when you get home?

**SCHMITTY**

Eh, we’ll see what happens.  Plans aren’t really my thing.  I’ll catch you later, Dennis.

[Exit **SCHMITTY** ]


	5. Chapter 5

[ **CHARLIE** and **CRICKET** are in their apartment.]

**CHARLIE**

We knocked all the names off that list, and it’s not even dinner time!

**CRICKET**

How much money did we get?

**CHARLIE**

Huh?

**CRICKET**

This whole thing was to collect money, how much did we end up with.

**CHARLIE**

Oh, uh, [shuffles through pockets and pulls out some money].  $20?  Dammit…

**CRICKET**

There had to be at least a hundred thousand dollars in debt collections on this list.

[A knock at the door.  **CHARLIE** answers.]

**IRS AGENT**

Hello, I’m Mr. Bugenhagen from the IRS.  Is Frank Reynolds home?

**CHARLIE**

No, sir, he’s dead. And may I just ask you something?

**BUGENHAGEN**

Is it about my name?

**CHARLIE**

Yes.

**BUGENHAGEN**

Then no.

**CHARLIE**

Is Bugenhagen your real name or like a stage name?

**BUGENHAGEN**

It is my real name.

**CHARLIE**

Okay, so Mr. Bugenhaagen-daz.

**BUGENHAGEN**

Uh, just Bugenhagen.

**CHARLIE**

What did I say?

**CRICKET**

You said “Bugenhaagen-daz” like the ice cream.

**CHARLIE**

Oh, so did your ancestor invent Haagen-daz ice cream?

**BUGENHAGEN**

Are either of you by any chance Mr. Charlie Kelly?

**CHARLIE**

Ah, yeah that’s me.

**BUGENHAGEN**

Well, Mr. Kelly, we suspect Frank has been laundering money under one Paddy’s Pub, and I’m heading the investigation.

**CHARLIE**

Pffff, I don’t know anything about that.  Like how do you dry the money once it’s laundered?

**CRICKET**

No, Charlie, it means like…actually I’m not sure what it means either, but it doesn’t mean what you think it means.  And it’s illegal.

**BUGENHAGEN**

I have several forms that have both Mr. Frank Reynolds’ and your signatures on them. Would you be able to testify that you signed off on these numbers?

**CHARLIE**

Sure, I signed off on them, but I have no idea what they say.

**BUGENHAGEN**

Excuse me?

**CHARLIE**

Yeah, Frank would just ask me to sign shit for him; I can’t read everything I sign.

**CRICKET**

Well, he can’t actually read or write either, so…

**BUGENHAGEN**

Normally I wouldn’t believe that but seeing as all these forms are signed with the word “CAT,” I’ll take this as willful ignorance.  Now, I’m sorry about your business partner’s death, but I’ll need an official death certificate to close the case.

**CHARLIE**

Okay, no problem.

**BUGENHAGEN**

Right…now would you like me to return to this _residence_ or is there another place we could meet to verify Mr. Reynolds’ death?

**CHARLIE**

Paddy’s would work.  Paddy’s at...noon-ish?

**BUGENHAGEN**

Okay, thank you for your cooperation, Mr. Kelly.

**CHARLIE**

Hey, no problem, and I’ve got a business tip for ya.  Maybe think about changing your name then you won’t have to go through the whole “is that your real name” thing when you meet new people because it honestly throws you way off.  It’s just so distracting.

**CRICKET**

Yeah, it threw me for a loop.  I was like “Whoa! Who is this guy? A Polish priest?”

**BUGENHAGEN**

Good day, Mr. Kelly.

[Exit **BUGENHAGEN**.]

**CHARLIE**

Yeah, you, too. [laughs and closes the door] 

[ **FRANK** emerges from underneath the pullout couch.]

**FRANK**

Good job, Charlie.  We got em right where we want em.

**CHARLIE**

Holy shit, Frank, are you a zombie or something?

**FRANK**

I faked my death.  I knew those IRS bastards would be knocking at my door soon, so I pretended to be dead and left you instructions to collect the money to pay the fines.

**CHARLIE**

That’s a really great plan and everything, but how are you alive?

**CRICKET**

Yeah, we found you naked in that dumpster.  Pretty sure you even shit yourself.

**FRANK**

I wasn’t dead. I hid out there for a whole day, waiting for one of you to find me. 

**CHARLIE**

But you were dead.

**FRANK**

Did you check my pulse?  I was chowing down on a freshly thrown out hoagie when I heard you and Cricket there.

**CHARLIE**

Huh, well, the only money we could get was this twenty bucks.

**FRANK**

You guys gotta figure out the money thing.  I can get a death certificate no problem.  It’s yous who’re in trouble if you can’t come up with the money.

**CHARLIE**

What do you mean? I didn’t do anything.

**FRANK**

Well, because I’m for all purposes dead, you shall be the inheritor off my stock in Paddy’s. You’ll be responsible for paying the fine from the IRS.  If you don’t, you go to jail.

**CHARLIE**

Alright, so let’s come up with a plan.

**FRANK**

No, you and Cricket here come up with a plan.  I gotta stay low and get that death certificate.  I’ll catch you later. [ **FRANK** exits wearing a ridiculously overlarge hoodie.]

**CRICKET**

Don’t look at me.  I’ve sold just about everything I can on my body.

[End scene.]


	6. Chapter 6

[ **MAC** walks into Paddy’s and slows when he sees **DENNIS** sitting at the bar.]

**MAC**

Hey, Dennis.

**DENNIS**

Hey, man.

[ **MAC** turns to look at the chart on the door.] 

**MAC**

What’s this?

[ **DENNIS** hops over to the chart, tearing it down, crumpling it up, and shoving it in his pocket.]

**DENNIS**

It’s uh, nothing, it’s nothing.  Just something I was experimenting with for the, uh, patrons…

**MAC**

Oh…kay....

**DENNIS**

What's with the hat?

[ **MAC** is carrying an Indiana Jones hat with a couple of nickels and pennies in it.]

**MAC**

I was just trying to earn some money.

**DENNIS**

That’s not even enough to buy a gumball.  What the hell were doing for spare change?

**MAC**

I was street performing, but nobody wanted to watch.  I don’t know how people make a living like that…it’s just people nowadays are so desensitized with their CGI and FX shit that they won’t give you a dollar unless you do like a triple back flip 20 feet in the air.

**DENNIS**

Uh-huh…so what do you need the money for?

**MAC**

I got a call from Charlie saying I owe Frank $10,000.

**DENNIS**

Oh, I got one of those, too.  But don’t worry about it.  There’s not any legal action he can use to require us to come up with the money, so it’s fine.

**MAC**

Huh…I’d still like to make $10,000 though.

**DENNIS**

You know what?  Me too, but listen, Mac, you’ve got the wrong venue.  The Internet is where it’s at…Kickstarters and shit.

**MAC**

What if I make a Kickstarter for me?

**DENNIS**

For what?  People don’t just give other people money.  You have to do something that gets them interested like a charity or a viral video. 

**MAC**

We could make a viral video for charity!  My charity!

**DENNIS**

_You_.  _You_ could make a viral video.  We’re not friends anymore remember?

**Mac**

Oh, yeah, right, I forgot for a second there.

[A weird silence falls between them while they avoid eye contact.]

**MAC**

We could always do a plan as like acquaintances.  We don’t have to be friends.

**DENNIS**

Just one more scheme for old time’s sake.

**MAC**

Yeah!  Top Gun high five!

**DENNIS**

Don’t get ahead of yourself.  Goose and Maverick were friends.

**MAC**

Yeah, you’re right.  So we’re more like Iceman and Maverick.

**DENNIS**

What?  None of that movie applies to this situation whatsoever.

[ **BOTH** exit Paddy’s.]

[End scene.]


	7. Chapter 7

[ **CRICKET** and **CHARLIE** sit in Paddy’s, downtrodden.]

**CRICKET**

I don’t understand why you don't just use your inheritance money to pay off the debt to the IRS.  It’s simple.

**CHARLIE**

Frank only has $2 million saved up for me and him.  After we pay the fine, we’re off the grid!  And how are we supposed to start again if we use the savings to pay off the IRS guy?  No, you’re not thinking.

**CRICKET**

It’s just, nobody we've asked has come up with the money. 

**CHARLIE**

Come on, how much do we have now?

**CRICKET**

Like $7.50.  Remember, we stopped for pizza.

**CHARLIE**

Dammit!  We’d be better off burning Paddy’s and all the evidence to the ground!

**CRICKET**

Hey, that’s not a bad idea.

**CHARLIE**

Yeah, I do have some pretty good ideas sometimes.  How about this:  Tomorrow before that Bugenhagen guy shows up, I douse the back office in gasoline, flood the basement with CO2, blow the whole thing to smithereens! 

**CRICKET**

Sounds fun.  I have to admit, I’ve wanted to see this place burn to the ground for a while now.

**CHARLIE**

It’s settled then.  [ **CHARLIE** ’s phone rings.]  Hey, oh hey Frank.  You got the death certificate?  Awesome.  Yeah, we’re almost home free here, buddy.  See you soon.

**CRICKET**

You’re not gonna tell him the plan?

**CHARLIE**

Nah, he’ll be fine with it.

\--

[Cut to **MAC** and **DENNIS** at **DEE** ’s apartment.  Exterior shot to show that it's night.]

**DENNIS**

Now all we have to do is upload the video and once it goes viral, we’ll set up a Kickstarter account.

**MAC**

Yeah, Dennis, about the video…

**DENNIS**

What _about_ the video?

**MAC**

Well, it sorta puts me in a bad light.

**DENNIS**

That’s what it’s supposed to do.  Mac, the plan is simple.  Make people laugh at you, then feel guilty for laughing at you so that they give you money.

**MAC**

Yeah, but it’s just a video of you heckling me while I perform my karate for money.  For one, the heckling isn’t even believable because my form is perfect.

**DENNIS**

Oh, no, it’s very believable, trust me.

**MAC**

So what are we gonna say on the Kickstarter page once this video becomes famous?

**DENNIS**

I’ve actually been working on a draft of that.  Here. [He pulls out a piece of paper, which **MAC** reads.]

**MAC**

“ _Hello fine Internet users,  
I’m Mac McDonald, or you might know me as the guy from the ‘Karate Douche’ video.  I wasn’t just performing on the street for fun.  I’m a homeless Catholic man, and the Church won’t help me because I’m also gay._

_The man who filmed me, Dennis Reynolds, approached me to set up this fundraiser because he felt bad for heckling me.  Please donate anything you can, and I’ll post a couple of my Project Badass videos._

_Thanks again,  
Mac”_

How can you post this?  It’s like so full of lies.

**DENNIS**

What do you mean?

**MAC**

First of all, I’m not putting my Project Badass videos on the Internet.

**DENNIS**

Why?  They’re badass, people will enjoy them.

**MAC**

Uh, yeah, people will enjoy them, but they’re not copyrighted, so somebody could just like steal the idea and make a show off of it.

**DENNIS**

Actually, they already have a show like that.  It’s called Jackass or Nitro Circus or the Dudesons. 

**MAC**

And secondly, I’m not gay.

**DENNIS**

See, I just threw that in there for the sympathy aspect of it.  I’m trying to make you seem as pathetic as possible so people will feel sorry for you and give you money.

**MAC**

Alright, just maybe you can change my name then.

**DENNIS**

Why?  Why is that necessary?

**MAC**

Well, I don’t want people thinking “Mac McDonald” is gay.  Then people might recognize me in real life and—

**DENNIS**

People from all over the world can donate, not just people from Philly.  Chances are nobody will recognize you from this video.  We’re just trying to extort $20,000 from these people.

**MAC**

Yeah, about that, why the $20,000?

**DENNIS**

$10,000 for you and $10,000 for me.

**MAC**

Yeah, but you’re not doing anything.

**DENNIS**

People will think I’m an asshole.  I’m risking my reputation here.

**MAC**

Dennis, you are an asshole.

**DENNIS**

Well, it was my idea then.  I thought of it, so I get half the credit.

**MAC**

Whatever, just post the damn video.

[ **DENNIS** posts the video to Youtube, and **BOTH** stare at the computer screen, waiting for viewers.]

**MAC**

Refresh, refresh the page.

[ **DENNIS** clicks the refresh button.  They wait a few seconds.]

**MAC**

Hit refresh again.

**DENNIS**

I am!

**MAC**

Let’s just post the Kickstarter right now.

**DENNIS**

No, not yet, you have to wait for people to watch the video.

[ **BOTH** wait a little longer.]

**DENNIS**

Okay, yeah, you’re right, let’s post the Kickstarter.

[End scene.]


	8. Chapter 8

[Exterior shot of **WAITRESS** ’ apartment to show that it’s morning.  **DEE** knocks on her door.]

**DEE**

Waitress! Hey, I’m sorry about yesterday. I get a little cranky when I haven’t eaten, and your manager was a real jerk—

**WAITRESS**

[Thru the door] Go away, Dee!  It’s my turn to scream!  You made me lose my job over giving you free food because that’s what you do!  You only care about yourself!  And you call me your friend when you never even bother to learn me name?  It’s Sandra! My name is _Sandra_.

**DEE**

Really? Sandra?  As in Sandy?  Why would you ever want to be called that?  Now, listen, Waitress, I have a plan to get you some money, and it’s guaranteed to work.  Now you have a restraining order against Charlie right?  Well, you actually have enough stuff on him to press charges and get him some jail time.  I always wondered why you never figured that out, but—

**WAITRESS**

Wait, what?

**DEE**

There’s breaking and entering, violating your restraining order, cruelty to animals fits in somewhere.  Yeah, you could put that screechy bastard away for a while.

**WAITRESS**

[She opens the door. Her cheeks are red and tearstained.]  Really?

**DEE**

Yeah, and then there’s Dennis.  He’s got a shitload of bench warrants out on him.

**WAITRESS**

Let’s go to the police then.  Get them out of my life forever.

**DEE**

No, you’re not listening.  What we do is blackmail them, hm?  You won’t even have to work with all the money you’ll squeeze out of them.  See?  I’m not just thinking of myself in this, except I will require 10% of the cut because it was my idea.  That's only fair.  So come on! Get cleaned up, and we’ll go bleed em dry!

**WAITRESS**

Okay. But this doesn’t mean we’re friends.

**DEE**

Sure, whatever.

\--

[Cut to **DEE** ’s apartment.]

**MAC**

Dennis, Dennis, wake up!  We’ve got money! The Kickstarter has $300!

**DENNIS**

[He jolts from half-asleep on the couch to alert.]  What?

**MAC**

Free money, dude!  They totally fell for it!  The Internet people fell for it!  What losers.

**DENNIS**

There wasn’t really much to fall for, but hey!

**MAC**

You have to admit, for not being friends, we make a pretty sweet team.

**DENNIS**

Well, I’ll admit I’m good at generating successful ideas.

**MAC**

You know what I think?

**DENNIS**

What?

**MAC**

[He sits on the couch.] I think we would’ve ended up together even if Dee hadn’t have manipulated Schmitty out of the Gang.  Like we’re just destined to be a team.

[ **DENNIS** and **MAC** ’s seated position mirrors that of **DENNIS** and **SCHMITTY** ’s in Part 1]

[ **DENNIS** looks at **MAC** and leans in for a quick kiss.]

**DENNIS**

[He chuckles, embarrassed.]  Sorry. Sorry, man.  I didn’t mean to…

[This very clearly resembles the kiss between **CHARLIE** and **DEE** in “The Gang Misses the Boat.]

[ **MAC** catches **DENNIS** ’s gaze and kisses him back.  The scene ends with them in a frenzy and  “On Your Bike” plays.]


	9. Chapter 9

[ **CHARLIE** is drenching the back office in gasoline.]

**CHARLIE**

Alright, that’s done.  All we need to do is take out the CO2 alarm battery and block the vents.

**CRICKET**

Actually, I think I’m going to take a seat across the street.  I don’t want to take my chances in a highly combustible building.

**CHARLIE**

Okay, I’ll catch you out there, Cricket.

[Exit **CRICKET**.]

[ **CHARLIE** runs down to the basement.]

[Enter **MAC** and **DENNIS** , smiling and laughing.]

**MAC**

Hey, Charlie! I think we’ve agreed we’re all going to be friends again!

**DENNIS**

Yeah, it’s alright, we forgive you, buddy! 

**MAC**

Where is he?

**DENNIS**

Jesus Christ, it smells like gas in here.  Ugh, Charlie?

[Enter **SCHMITTY**.]

**SCHMITTY**

[to **DENNIS** ] Hey!  There you are.  I was wondering if you’d be here.  I was thinking since it’s my day off we could catch a movie, go bowling.

**DENNIS**

I don’t think so, Schmitty.  I’ve decided to move back in with Mac.

**SCHMITTY**

I’m not gonna say I didn’t see this coming, I just thought it might last more than a day.

**MAC**

Yeah, and we totally just banged!

[ **DENNIS** does a double take at **MAC** , shocked.]

**SCHMITTY**

Hey! Awesome!  I’m really happy for you guys. 

[Enter **BUGENHAGEN**.  **CHARLIE** returns from the basement.]

**MAC**

Who’s the stiff?

**CHARLIE**

Oh, hey, everyone in the bar why don’t we move this little party outside, huh?

**BUGENHAGEN**

Mr. Kelly, nice to see you again.  Do you have that death certificate?

**CHARLIE**

Yes, yes, it’s just, uh, you’re about 30 minutes early…now where did I put that thing… Just a second. If everybody could just go outside, that’d be great. [He runs to the back office.]

[Enter **DEE** and **WAITRESS**.]

**WAITRESS**

Guess who’s got the upper hand now, Dennis Reynolds.

**SCHMITTY**

Oh, hey, are you Dee’s friend?

**WAITRESS**

You don’t remember me?  You took me home after the high school reunion!

**SCHMITTY**

Oh, yeah, and you tried to bang me, but you just threw up everywhere.  Oh man that was funny. 

**WAITRESS**

No it wasn’t!

[ **CHARLIE** returns.]

**CHARLIE**

Here it is. Hey Waitress!  [He hands the death certificate over to **BUGENHAGEN**.]  Wait, what’s Schmitty doing here?

**WAITRESS**

Charlie, you stay away.  Fifty feet! And I’ve got something to say to you!

**BUGENHAGEN**

Why does this reek of gasoline?

**DEE**

[to **CHARLIE** ] We’re gonna take all of Frank’s inheritance money away from you because Waitress here’s got dirt on you.  So much dirt that it’ll make Richard Nixon look like Gregory Peck.

**DENNIS**

I don’t think that metaphor really translates, Dee.

**CHARLIE**

Uh, just a second, Dee.  [to **SCHMITTY** ]  Hey, would you go get something for me from the basement? 

**SCHMITTY**

Yeah, sure what is it?

**CHARLIE**

[to **SCHMITTY** ]  You’ll know it when you see it. [He hands **SCHMITTY** a lighter.] Just in case you can’t see anything down there.

**SCHMITTY**

Alright. Thanks, man.

[ **SCHMITTY** goes to the basement.]

**WAITRESS**

Charlie! You owe me $2 million or I’m going to the police, I swear! And you too, Dennis!

**DENNIS**

Hey now, what’s with the empty threats, Waitress?

**CHARLIE**

[to **WAITRESS** ] I’ll give you all of my money if we could all just leave the building immediately!

**BUGENHAGEN**

[to **MAC** ] This smells like gas, right?

**MAC**

Yeah, we smelled it when we walked in.

**CHARLIE**

It’s cause it _is_ gas.  I spilled some behind the bar.  [He walks to the front door, trying to herd the crowd.] Now IF YOU VALUE YOUR LIVES, YOU WILL FOLLOW ME.

[ **EVERYONE** starts to walk toward **CHARLIE** , but it’s too late.]

[ **CRICKET** sits on the curb, and he sees Paddy’s blow up. He laughs.]

**CRICKET**

Ah, yeah, that’s great!  Woohoo! Bravo!  Yeah…wait, hello?  [He gets up, looking around the corner for anyone.] Charlie?  Dee?  Dennis?  Mac? [He stares at the building on fire.]  Shit, I gotta get out of here.

[Police sirens wail.  Fire engines honk from a distance.]

[Cut to a courtroom.]

**JUDGE**

Matthew Mara, the jury has ruled guilty on seven counts of first degree murder as well as premeditated arson.   You will spend life in prison without possibility of parole.  Do you have any words for the families of the bereaved?

**CRICKET**

Hey, good riddance. Am I right, your honor? [laughter]

[ **BONNIE KELLY** sobs into a handkerchief.]

[Cut to **LIAM MCPOYLE** taking out the trash from the video rental store.  He opens the dumpster lid to find an actually deceased **FRANK**.  He sets the trash down and checks **FRANK** ’s pulse.]

**LIAM**

RYAN!

[ **RYAN** appears.]

**LIAM**

He's still warm. He can’t have been dead long.  Run home and get a melon baller AND HURRY!

[End on **LIAM** ’s smiling face.]

[Theme music.]


End file.
